JK’s Best (and Worst) of Just About Everything 

Worst cigarette ad of all time:

Best/worst name for a product targeted at Baby Boomers:

EZ-Wider, the new hospital gurney for the morbidly obese. A bed, chair, and gurney all-in-one!

Best JK commercial parody that only oldsters will get:

“If you applied medicinal cream on Tuesday and chancres are back again on Thursday, maybe what you have is more than ordinary syphilis!”

Best, and worst, city slogans:

“Chicago, the city that works.”

“Los Angeles, the city that smirks.”

Worst restaurant billboard:

Worst on-site store signage:

Runner-up:

Best improvised product slogan:

“No shit to pitch, no tits to twitch, you just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.”

– said of cans of condensed milk by WWII soldiers

Best sexually suggestive song lyric that might as well be an advertisement:

“The closer to the bone/ the sweeter is the meat

That last slice of Virginia ham/ is the best thing you can eat.”

– Louis Jones

Best sexually suggestive phrase in a hemorrhoid remedy commercial:

“Experience that soothing occlusion.”

Best sexually suggestive advertising slogan, BBQ division:

“It’s bone-suckin’ good!”

– Q joint on La Cienega in LA, long shuttered, name escapes me

Runner-up:

“You needs no teeth to eat my beef.”

– Mr. Jim’s, LA

Best sexually suggestive cigarette slogan:

“So round, so firm, so fully-packed!”

– Lucky Strike

Best/worst remembered line from an ad client:

“It’s a push-pull campaign. Or, if you like, a suck-through.”

Runner-up:

“We want you to implant our brand in the public’s consumer electronics’ buying womb.”

Best imagined speech by a disillusioned adman that I never found a place for:

“I’m sick of all the lies. The lies of substance, of tone, of posture, appearance and implication. The lies of omission, commission and submission. The superficial lies, the profound lies, the lies so deep they might be true.”