Men & Women

Best advice about wooing women:

“Keep your distance. Why do you think girls like cats?”

Worst question for any man to answer:

“Have you ever felt a sexual attraction to any of my girlfriends? I promise I won’t get mad.”

Best nasty description of the ex-gf who dumped you:

“She married for love. And she loves her new Bentley, her live-in maid and her eight-bedroom house.”

Worst/best remembered dialogue from my disastrous first marriage:

She: It’s not working. We don’t share the same values.

Me: No? What are your values?

She: Art, love and truth.

Me: Well, that doesn’t leave me much, does it?

Best mash note I sent to my girlfriend Jessica in 1976:

Best Shakespeare quote on love:

“The sweetest honey is loathsome in its own deliciousness.” – Romeo and Juliet

Runner-up:

“Many a good hanging prevents many a bad marriage.”  — Twelfth Night

 Best/worst obnoxious cockney pick-up line:

“Hey, luv, how’s yer bum for sports?”

 Best JK theory about fancy weddings:

“The expense of the wedding is in direct inverse proportion to the success of the marriage.”

 Best description of the difference between the sexes:

“This was one of the things, it occurred to Frank, that he liked about men: their relationship minimalism, their gender-based realization that the cupboard of life, emotionally speaking, was pretty near bare. There wasn’t that tireless, irksome, bright-eyed hope women kept fluttering at you.”

– John Updike, in his short story, The Rumor.

Runner-up:

“Men are stupid and women are crazy.” – George Carlin

Honorable mention:

“Men claim they want a siren, but really want a mom. Women say they seek Mr. Reliable, but secretly pine for Studley Hungwell.” – JK

 Best/worst remembered quote from a dewy-eyed young lass of my acquaintance:

“All I want is a pure, wonderful life.”

Ah, is that all…

Best/worst sexual insult:

“You fuck like Joe Friday walks.”

Best advice on staying fit:

“If you can’t get into your own pants, nobody else will want to either.”

– Marie, my late father’s octogenarian girlfriend