As a former stand-up comic and a member in dubious standing of the DeLuxe Radio Theater….
(I’m the one with the short hair)…I have always had an inordinate fondness for JOKES:
Best joke of all time:
“You play a round of golf, no one calls you a golfer.
You manage to heat up a can of beans, no one calls you a chef.
But you fuck ONE sheep…”
“Why do women have two sets of lips?”
“So they can piss and moan at the same time.”
Best punch line of all time:
“Well, I’m gonna eat some grass, and I suggest you brace yourself.”
“You’re thor, I haven’t been able to pith for a week!”
“I can’t, it’s eating my popcorn!”
Best clean punch line to a filthy joke:
“Oh, yeah, I forgot. Your brother’s got the truck.”
Best one-line joke of all time:
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”
“As the Dalai Lama said to the New York hot dog vendor, ‘Make me one with everything.’”
“No, suck, SUCK. Blow is just an expression!”
Best mildly dirty joke:
He: You know the difference between great sex and a sandwich?
She: Uh, no.
He: What are you doing for lunch?
Best genie in a bottle joke:
Guy is walking down the beach when he sees Aladdin’s Lamp washed up on shore. He gives it a rub and out pops the Genie.
“I am very powerful,” says the Genie, “but I can grant you only one request. So make it a good one.”
The guy hems and haws. “Well, this is gonna sound weird but I have always wanted to visit Hawaii. However I hate to fly and sea travel makes me sick. So, I would like you to build me a bridge from California to Hawaii.”
“What are you, nuts? That’s 3,000 miles of ocean, some of it five miles deep! Forget it, you’ll have to pick something else.”
The guy ponders.
“Well, okay, I’ve never had much success with women, can’t ever seem to please them. So my request, all-powerful genie, is for you to explain to me, precisely, what it is that women want?”
It’s the Genie’s turn to ponder.
“You want that bridge two lanes or four?”
Sven and Olie are out fishin’ on the lake. Sven hands Olie a fat cigar and says he has some good news.
“I found Aladdin’s Lamp!” Sven leans over and fires up Olie’s cigar with a very large lighter. “And he granted my wish and he promised he’d grant yours too!”
An excited Olie rubs the lamp. The Genie appears, grants Olie’s wish and vanishes in a puff of smoke. Sven and Olie sit in their boat a long time but nothing happens.
Finally, a rustling of wings makes them look skyward. An enormous flock of birds – ducks – is blackening the sky.
“No, no, no,” cries Olie, “I said a million bucks!”
“Oh, jeez, I shouldda told ya,” says Sven, shaking his head. “The Genie’s hard of hearing. You think I asked for a twelve-inch Bic?”
Best pun of all time:
What do you get when you drop a bomb on the floor of a French kitchen?
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
With a porcupine the prick’s on the outside.
Best/worst ethnically-insensitive pun:
“What time is it?”
“Two-thirty, that’s Chinese dentist time!”
“What’s an innuendo?”
“That an Italian suppository.”
Worst pun of all time:
“I don’t feel so good. I had a little rheumatism last night.”
“Yeah, I got stiff in all the joints.”
“Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”
(Think Glenn Miller tunes and work backwards.)
Best Groucho Marx joke (though it reads like WC Fields):
Stuffy gent: Sir, you try my patience!
Groucho: Don’t mind if I do. You must come over and try mine some time.
Best Rodney Dangerfield joke:
Hey I tell ya, I don’t get no respect. I was crossin’ the street the other day, cab driver runs right into me! I said, “Whattaya blind!?”
He said, “Hey, I hit ya, didn’t I?”
“My dad used to take us to the beach when I was a kid. He’d give the lifeguard five bucks to keep an eye off me!”
Best three, ticking-clock doctor jokes:
Guy goes to the doctor, Doc says, “I’ve got bad news. You’re gonna die in three months.”
Guy says, “Jeez, Doc, ain’t there nothing I can do?”
“Well, you could take a series of mud baths.”
“Mud baths! What’s that gonna do?”
“It’ll help you get used to dirt.”
Guy goes to the doctor, Doc says “I’ve got bad news. You’re gonna die in three minutes.”
Guy says, “Jeez, Doc, isn’t there anything you can do?!”
“Well, I could make you a soft-boiled egg.”
Guy goes to the doctor, Doc says, “I’ve got bad news. You’re gonna die in ten.”
Guy says, “Ten? Jeez, Doc, ten what??”
Best fat jokes: (read quickly for maximum effect)
Hey, I tell ya, my wife’s so fat we had to let out the shower curtain. / She showed me her baby pictures. / They were taken by satellite. / We were dancing in the living room when the record skipped. / At the radio station. / We were listening to Radio Free Europe! / We went to the 7/11 to get some food. / It’s now 6/10. / Hershey, Pennsylvania? / Forget it!!
Best joke about people with disabilities:
What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
Best George Gobel joke:
My father was the town drunk. And we lived in Chicago.
George Gobel sitting on the Tonight Show couch with Dean Martin and Bob Hope, who are tanned, well-dressed and well-toasted, alongside Johnny Carson looking suave in his ascot.
George: (to the camera) “You ever get the feeling that life is a tuxedo and you’re a pair of brown shoes?”
BEST jocund description of halitosis:
“His breath would start a windmill in an old Dutch painting.”
“His breath would knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.”
Best Dorothy Parker one liner (a telegraphic reply to her editor who’d been bugging her for overdue work while she was on her honeymoon):
“Too fucking busy and vice versa.”