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<\/a><\/p>\n(I\u2019m the one with the short hair)\u2026I have always had an inordinate fondness for JOKES:<\/strong><\/p>\n Best<\/strong> joke of all time:<\/p>\n \u201cYou play a round of golf, no one calls you a golfer.<\/p>\n You manage to heat up a can of beans, no one calls you a chef.<\/p>\n (beat)<\/p>\n But you fuck ONE sheep\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Runner-up:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cWhy do women have two sets of lips?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo they can piss and moan at the same time.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong>Best <\/strong>punch line of all time:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cWell, I\u2019m gonna eat some grass, and I suggest you brace yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n Runner-up:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re thor, I haven\u2019t been able to pith for a week!\u201d<\/p>\n Honorable mention:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t, it\u2019s eating my popcorn!\u201d<\/p>\n Best <\/strong>clean punch line to a filthy joke:<\/p>\n \u201cOh, yeah, I forgot. Your brother\u2019s got the truck.\u201d<\/p>\n Best <\/strong>one-line joke of all time:<\/p>\n \u201cOther than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?\u201d<\/p>\n Runner-up<\/strong>:<\/p>\n \u201cAs the Dalai Lama said to the New York hot dog vendor, \u2018Make me one with everything.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Honorable mention:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cNo, suck, SUCK. Blow<\/em> is just an expression!\u201d<\/p>\n Best<\/strong> mildly dirty joke:<\/p>\n He:\u00a0 You know the difference between great sex and a sandwich?<\/p>\n She: Uh, no.<\/p>\n He:\u00a0 What are you doing for lunch?<\/p>\n Best <\/strong>genie in a bottle joke:<\/p>\n Guy is walking down the beach when he sees Aladdin\u2019s Lamp washed up on shore. He gives it a rub and out pops the Genie.<\/p>\n \u201cI am very powerful,\u201d says the Genie, \u201cbut I can grant you only one request. So make it a good one.\u201d<\/p>\n The guy hems and haws. \u201cWell, this is gonna sound weird but I have always wanted to visit Hawaii. However I hate to fly and sea travel makes me sick. So, I would like you to build me a bridge from California to Hawaii.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you, nuts? That\u2019s 3,000 miles of ocean, some of it five miles deep! Forget it, you\u2019ll have to pick something else.\u201d<\/p>\n The guy ponders.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, okay, I\u2019ve never had much success with women, can\u2019t ever seem to please them. So my request, all-powerful genie, is for you to explain to me, precisely, what it is that women want?\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s the Genie\u2019s turn to ponder.<\/p>\n \u201cYou want that bridge two lanes or four?\u201d<\/p>\n Runner-up:<\/strong><\/p>\n Sven and Olie are out fishin\u2019 on the lake. Sven hands Olie a fat cigar and says he has some good news.<\/p>\n \u201cI found Aladdin\u2019s Lamp!\u201d Sven leans over and fires up Olie\u2019s cigar with a very large lighter. \u201cAnd he granted my wish and he promised he\u2019d grant yours too!\u201d<\/p>\n An excited Olie rubs the lamp. The Genie appears, grants Olie\u2019s wish and vanishes in a puff of smoke. Sven and Olie sit in their boat a long time but nothing happens.<\/p>\n Finally, a rustling of wings makes them look skyward. An enormous flock of birds – ducks – is blackening the sky.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, no, no,\u201d cries Olie, \u201cI said a million bucks<\/em>!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh, jeez, I shouldda told ya,\u201d says Sven, shaking his head. \u201cThe Genie\u2019s hard of hearing. You think I asked for a twelve-inch Bic?\u201d<\/p>\n Best<\/strong> pun of all time:<\/p>\n What do you get when you drop a bomb on the floor of a French kitchen?<\/p>\n Linoleum Blownapart.<\/p>\n Runner-up:<\/strong><\/p>\n What\u2019s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?<\/p>\n With a porcupine the prick\u2019s on the outside.<\/p>\n Best\/worst <\/strong>ethnically-insensitive pun:<\/p>\n \u201cWhat time is it?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s two-thirty.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTwo-thirty, that\u2019s Chinese dentist time!\u201d<\/p>\n Runner-up: <\/strong><\/p>\n “What’s an innuendo?”<\/p>\n “That an Italian suppository.”<\/p>\n Worst <\/strong>pun of all time:<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t feel so good. I had a little rheumatism last night.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cRheumatism?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I got stiff in all the joints.\u201d<\/p>\n Runner-up:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cPardon me, Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”<\/p>\n (Think Glenn Miller tunes and work backwards.)<\/p>\n Best <\/strong>Groucho Marx joke (though it reads like WC Fields):<\/p>\n Stuffy gent:\u00a0 Sir, you try my patience!<\/p>\n Groucho:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Don\u2019t mind if I do. You must come over and try mine some time.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Best<\/strong> Rodney Dangerfield joke:<\/p>\n Hey I tell ya, I don\u2019t get no respect. I was crossin\u2019 the street the other day, cab driver runs right into me! I said, \u201cWhattaya blind!?\u201d<\/p>\n He said, \u201cHey, I hit ya, didn\u2019t I?\u201d<\/p>\n Runner up:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cMy dad used to take us to the beach when I was a kid. He\u2019d give the lifeguard five bucks to keep an eye off me!\u201d<\/p>\n Best <\/strong>three, ticking-clock doctor jokes:<\/p>\n Guy goes to the doctor, Doc says, \u201cI\u2019ve got bad news. You\u2019re gonna die in three months.\u201d<\/p>\n Guy says, \u201cJeez, Doc, ain\u2019t there nothing I can do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you could take a series of mud baths.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cMud baths! What\u2019s that gonna do?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019ll help you get used to dirt.\u201d<\/p>\n Guy goes to the doctor, Doc says \u201cI\u2019ve got bad news. You\u2019re gonna die in three minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n Guy says, \u201cJeez, Doc, isn\u2019t there anything you can do?!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I could make you a soft-boiled egg.\u201d<\/p>\n Guy goes to the doctor, Doc says, \u201cI\u2019ve got bad news. You\u2019re gonna die in ten.\u201d<\/p>\n Guy says, \u201cTen? Jeez, Doc, ten what<\/em>??\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNine\u2026eight\u2026seven\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Best <\/strong>fat jokes: (read quickly for maximum effect)<\/p>\n Hey, I tell ya, my wife\u2019s so fat we had to let out the shower curtain. \/ She showed me her baby pictures. \/ They were taken by satellite. \/ We were dancing in the living room when the record skipped. \/ At the radio station. \/ We were listening to Radio Free Europe! \/ We went to the 7\/11 to get some food. \/ It\u2019s now 6\/10. \/ Hershey, Pennsylvania? \/ Forget it!!<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong>Best<\/strong> joke about people with disabilities:<\/p>\n What is Helen Keller\u2019s favorite color?<\/p>\n Corduroy.<\/p>\n Best<\/strong> George Gobel joke:<\/p>\n My father was the town drunk. And we lived in Chicago.<\/p>\n Runner-up:<\/strong><\/p>\n George Gobel sitting on the Tonight Show couch with Dean Martin and Bob Hope, who are tanned, well-dressed and well-toasted, alongside Johnny Carson looking suave in his ascot.<\/p>\n George: (to the camera) \u201cYou ever get the feeling that life is a tuxedo and you\u2019re a pair of brown shoes?\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong>BEST <\/strong>jocund description of halitosis:<\/p>\n \u201cHis breath would start a windmill in an old Dutch painting.\u201d<\/p>\n Runner-up:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cHis breath would knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong>Best <\/strong>Dorothy Parker one liner (a telegraphic reply to her editor who\u2019d been bugging her for overdue work while she was on her honeymoon):<\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n<\/a><\/p>\n