Men & Women
Best advice about wooing women:
“Keep your distance. Why do you think girls like cats?”
Worst question for any man to answer:
“Have you ever felt a sexual attraction to any of my girlfriends? I promise I won’t get mad.”
Best nasty description of the ex-gf who dumped you:
“She married for love. And she loves her new Bentley, her live-in maid and her eight-bedroom house.”
Worst/best remembered dialogue from my disastrous first marriage:
She: It’s not working. We don’t share the same values.
Me: No? What are your values?
She: Art, love and truth.
Me: Well, that doesn’t leave me much, does it?
Best mash note I sent to my girlfriend Jessica in 1976:
Best Shakespeare quote on love:
“The sweetest honey is loathsome in its own deliciousness.” – Romeo and Juliet
“Many a good hanging prevents many a bad marriage.” — Twelfth Night
Best/worst obnoxious cockney pick-up line:
“Hey, luv, how’s yer bum for sports?”
Best JK theory about fancy weddings:
“The expense of the wedding is in direct inverse proportion to the success of the marriage.”
Best description of the difference between the sexes:
“This was one of the things, it occurred to Frank, that he liked about men: their relationship minimalism, their gender-based realization that the cupboard of life, emotionally speaking, was pretty near bare. There wasn’t that tireless, irksome, bright-eyed hope women kept fluttering at you.”
– John Updike, in his short story, The Rumor.
“Men are stupid and women are crazy.” – George Carlin
“Men claim they want a siren, but really want a mom. Women say they seek Mr. Reliable, but secretly pine for Studley Hungwell.” – JK
Best/worst remembered quote from a dewy-eyed young lass of my acquaintance:
“All I want is a pure, wonderful life.”
Ah, is that all…
Best/worst sexual insult:
“You fuck like Joe Friday walks.”
Best advice on staying fit:
“If you can’t get into your own pants, nobody else will want to either.”
– Marie, my late father’s octogenarian girlfriend